Aftermath: How I've dealt with recent loss

Throughout this process I had a day when I went through the anger stage. It wasn’t fair. I looked at my brother & sister - I could only think of the milestones they’d encounter without their mom. I was mad the situation & the way she was taken from us. But then I began to think about her & who she was. 

She loved her kids. She was never the PTA mom, or the event organizer mom - not that there’s anything wrong with that - She was never proud of herself as a mom, but in awe that we were her kids. We were her badge of mom-honor. She couldn’t believe that she got to be the mom of us three monkeys. She was the friend mom. The mom that our friends would come to the house even if we weren’t around & she’d make mashed potatoes at their request. She’d always have some new food concoction for us to try. 

I say concoction because sometimes her experiments failed. But she'd just say "Not the best, but the funniest". She'd laugh through her mistakes as she dusted herself off. Our friend’s loved our mom. She’d get down on our level and listen to our ideas, our jokes, our dreams. 

She’d start a conversation by saying “tell me stories.” She wanted to hear what we had to say & she never treated us like we were a stupid kid with overly big ambitions. 

I wanted to work in theater. I was really good at set design, I loved to build. But I thought it silly to dream about doing something like that professionally. Mom didn’t understand why I didn’t think myself good enough. She supported my dreams. She took me to New York after I graduated high school, she found a free internship offer for me at Starlight Theater. I ended up getting paid in college to be a set design & builder. Mom was always our biggest cheerleader. 

My dreams evolved & changed from theater, but mom was the one to ask “Why not try?” I’ve always been afraid to try, because I’ve always been afraid of failure. Mom would teach us to use failure as fuel. She could always laugh at the mistakes & turn failure into a positive. Mom encouraged us to be daring. She loved to try new things. Thinking about her character I was no longer mad, but sad that my kids would miss out on her. That my brother & sister will miss out. 

And then I was given this verse: Romans 8:39“Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Photo Credit: Amanda Eaton Photography)

As humans we have this beautiful gift of Christ love. We emulate it when loving one another. It's what makes this moment so hard. We can love so deeply we don't want to let go. 

We were all given this beautiful gift who was my mom. I realized I could take her with us as we go through the milestones. My brother, sister, & I can continue to laugh through the mistakes & use failure as fuel to try again. 

As my boys grow I can encourage them as mom cheered for me. I’ll take the time to get to know my kid’s friends & make them food at their request. Barring a few limitations. 

As I have more conversations with my boys I’ll get down on their level & ask them to tell me stories. I'll teach them that sometimes it's OK if you're not the best. You can be the funniest. I encourage mom's loved ones to do the same. 

That as we create new stories to tell we take mom with us in sharing her character with others.

The Mind of a Worry-Wart, Obsessive, Life Planner

I am a worry-wart. I worry how I appear to people -- if I come off kind enough, smart enough, helpful enough -- but mostly I worry about my plans and my future. And now that I'm a parent, I find myself worrying about my kid's future. I find myself telling my husband all the time "He is a clean slate. We can't ruin him." 

I am also a die hard planner. Not organized, but a planner. As a kid I would draw floor plans of my dream house. I would write down the number and names of my future kids. I would create a timeline of my future with every defining moment dated according to when I thought these life events should take place.

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My Life

"2007 high school graduation"

"2008 meet dream man"

"2011 college graduation"

"2011 get married to dream man"

"2012 buy a house"

"2012 remodel kitchen"

"2013 have baby #1 (after 2 years marriage)"

"2015 have baby #2 (2yrs apart)"

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I was in 6th grade and already I had the appropriate timing of when I'd accomplish my dreams of tackling home projects! 

Now in my opinion, worry-wart plus obsessive, planner brain is a nutty combination. As someone who obsesses over the future and placing their ducks in a row, I cannot allow mistakes. Mistakes equal being off schedule from my timeline -- which we all know lead to a ruined life in a van down by the river. 

See? Nutty! 

I dream big dreams while I worry how I'm going to get from point A to point B. 

So that timeline I talked about earlier? I didn't meet my dream man in college. I was off by two years for my wedding plans already. But that was okay. Time to make a new timeline. Now that I'm getting married it will be more concrete. I picked up my pen and paper and wrote out a few more life goals. 

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"2013 get married"

"2014 buy house"

"2014 kitchen remodel"

"2015 baby Myers #1"

"2017 baby Myers #2 (2yrs apart)"

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July 2013 I married my dream man. Three months later I got pregnant. Totally threw off my timeline again. But that's okay. Time to write another timeline. 

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"2014 Spring buy a house" 

"2014 Summer baby Myers born"

"2015 kitchen remodel?"

"2016 baby Myers #2 (2yrs apart)"

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I began my saving plan. I used my account for a few bills and the rest was saved. My husband's was for the remainder of our bills and day-to-day necessities. By the time our sweet boy was here I had saved almost $10,000 for a down payment. But we saw almost all that money go to medical bills for mom and baby. 

I can hear the disc scratch after that last note. Nearly 10K in health bills?!?!

What my timeline didn't account for were the hiccups in my pregnancy and Owen's birth. 

I had a condition in pregnancy called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG for short). Basically, HG is a rare case in pregnancy that causes severe nausea and vomiting that typically results in dehydration. In some cases this can last up to the birth of the baby or post pregnancy. Luckily, for me this lasted until I was 25 weeks pregnant. Still, that was about 20 weeks of constant nausea and vomiting. 

I was hospitalized due to dehydration. I was put on an in home IV for about 8 days. I carried a Zofran pump on my body for 5 weeks. I'd stick myself every 20 hours and wear a little machine that would infuse medication to counter my nausea. 

Yes, this was gnarly. I was miserable. But God was gifting me with a healthy little life growing inside me. Ryan & I were so blessed working together for a great company. We had very good medical coverage. We had the best coworkers and bosses we still cherish today. I was so upset I couldn't be this Viking woman, baby making machine, but I couldn't help but be grateful for the blessings we did have. 

When Owen was born he had a fever so we spent 6 days in the NICU. We were blessed by God again in finding nothing wrong but a fever, but between my HG and Owen in the NICU our bills racked up quick. But again, praise God! My super saving helped us write one big check and we didn't have to worry about monthly medical payments. 

So, no house when I planned. Back to the timeline drawing board. Well, I won't go into detail but two and a half years later we are pregnant with baby number two -- I got HG with this baby too -- and we're living with my parent's. 

Again, praise God for this opportunity! Not only is it helping us save, but they have been a life saver helping me with my two-year-old while sick and pregnant. As funny as it was running after a toddler carrying my IV pole, it was awesome having another set of hands. 

The worry-wart, obsessive planner in me has completely freaked out SEVERAL times that my life hasn't gone accordingly. Sometimes I sit wishing I could fast forward to when we are in our "perfect timeline". But when I look back I can see all the blessings that have transpired. I couldn't see them while I was going through the trials, but I can see God's hand on our lives clear as day now. If I had my "perfect timeline" it wouldn't be perfect and I would never be satisfied.

Ryan and I are planning on a house this spring, and though I haven't gotten my kitchen remodel I have been given so much more. 

If I hadn't known my husband loved me when we married I sure knew our first year of marriage. 

When I was sick and pregnant Ryan cared for me every step of the way with out complaint. He would pick up my slack doing laundry, washing dishes, mopping, vacuuming, and dusting. When I was vomiting left and right, baked potatoes were my saving grace food with Owen. It was the only meal that cooperated with my stomach. Ryan would get to McAlister's just as they opened at 10am. Order my cheesy baked potato with extra sour cream, and hand it to me just as he was ready to clock in at 11 for work.

Ryan helped me get ready for work every morning at 6am. He would wake up in the middle of the night to help me change out my medicine in my pump. He changed every IV bag so I didn't have to strain myself. And he told me I looked more beautiful today than the day before. 

We may not have been where I wanted us to be in my timeline, but through God's timeline in our first year of marriage He showed me how much my husband loves me. Through God's timeline I learned how to love my husband the way he deserves.

There's this thing that I think happens in relationships where you excuse the little things and when you get married you put those little things in a jar of expectations. But the truth is the everyday you were living with your partner before marriage is the reality that comes to life in marriage. God opened my eyes to that and showed me that though I had high expectations -- as seen in my desired timeline -- the reality was so much better than any silly expectation.  

I still worry about the future. I still work hard to prevent myself from "ruining our lives." But if I've learned nothing else it's this:

"So why would I fear the future? For I am pursued by your goodness and unfailing love." Psalms 23:6 

-The Passion translation 

In a time of division and crazy change in the world I continue to worry about the future. Will our ducks ever be in a row? God reminds me His desires, His goodness, His love is being fulfilled in my life. He is never finished with us. He is always a captivated reader hanging on the pages of our story.