Aftermath: How I've dealt with recent loss

Throughout this process I had a day when I went through the anger stage. It wasn’t fair. I looked at my brother & sister - I could only think of the milestones they’d encounter without their mom. I was mad the situation & the way she was taken from us. But then I began to think about her & who she was. 

She loved her kids. She was never the PTA mom, or the event organizer mom - not that there’s anything wrong with that - She was never proud of herself as a mom, but in awe that we were her kids. We were her badge of mom-honor. She couldn’t believe that she got to be the mom of us three monkeys. She was the friend mom. The mom that our friends would come to the house even if we weren’t around & she’d make mashed potatoes at their request. She’d always have some new food concoction for us to try. 

I say concoction because sometimes her experiments failed. But she'd just say "Not the best, but the funniest". She'd laugh through her mistakes as she dusted herself off. Our friend’s loved our mom. She’d get down on our level and listen to our ideas, our jokes, our dreams. 

She’d start a conversation by saying “tell me stories.” She wanted to hear what we had to say & she never treated us like we were a stupid kid with overly big ambitions. 

I wanted to work in theater. I was really good at set design, I loved to build. But I thought it silly to dream about doing something like that professionally. Mom didn’t understand why I didn’t think myself good enough. She supported my dreams. She took me to New York after I graduated high school, she found a free internship offer for me at Starlight Theater. I ended up getting paid in college to be a set design & builder. Mom was always our biggest cheerleader. 

My dreams evolved & changed from theater, but mom was the one to ask “Why not try?” I’ve always been afraid to try, because I’ve always been afraid of failure. Mom would teach us to use failure as fuel. She could always laugh at the mistakes & turn failure into a positive. Mom encouraged us to be daring. She loved to try new things. Thinking about her character I was no longer mad, but sad that my kids would miss out on her. That my brother & sister will miss out. 

And then I was given this verse: Romans 8:39“Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Photo Credit: Amanda Eaton Photography)

As humans we have this beautiful gift of Christ love. We emulate it when loving one another. It's what makes this moment so hard. We can love so deeply we don't want to let go. 

We were all given this beautiful gift who was my mom. I realized I could take her with us as we go through the milestones. My brother, sister, & I can continue to laugh through the mistakes & use failure as fuel to try again. 

As my boys grow I can encourage them as mom cheered for me. I’ll take the time to get to know my kid’s friends & make them food at their request. Barring a few limitations. 

As I have more conversations with my boys I’ll get down on their level & ask them to tell me stories. I'll teach them that sometimes it's OK if you're not the best. You can be the funniest. I encourage mom's loved ones to do the same. 

That as we create new stories to tell we take mom with us in sharing her character with others.

The Mind of a Worry-Wart, Obsessive, Life Planner

I am a worry-wart. I worry how I appear to people -- if I come off kind enough, smart enough, helpful enough -- but mostly I worry about my plans and my future. And now that I'm a parent, I find myself worrying about my kid's future. I find myself telling my husband all the time "He is a clean slate. We can't ruin him." 

I am also a die hard planner. Not organized, but a planner. As a kid I would draw floor plans of my dream house. I would write down the number and names of my future kids. I would create a timeline of my future with every defining moment dated according to when I thought these life events should take place.

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My Life

"2007 high school graduation"

"2008 meet dream man"

"2011 college graduation"

"2011 get married to dream man"

"2012 buy a house"

"2012 remodel kitchen"

"2013 have baby #1 (after 2 years marriage)"

"2015 have baby #2 (2yrs apart)"

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I was in 6th grade and already I had the appropriate timing of when I'd accomplish my dreams of tackling home projects! 

Now in my opinion, worry-wart plus obsessive, planner brain is a nutty combination. As someone who obsesses over the future and placing their ducks in a row, I cannot allow mistakes. Mistakes equal being off schedule from my timeline -- which we all know lead to a ruined life in a van down by the river. 

See? Nutty! 

I dream big dreams while I worry how I'm going to get from point A to point B. 

So that timeline I talked about earlier? I didn't meet my dream man in college. I was off by two years for my wedding plans already. But that was okay. Time to make a new timeline. Now that I'm getting married it will be more concrete. I picked up my pen and paper and wrote out a few more life goals. 

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"2013 get married"

"2014 buy house"

"2014 kitchen remodel"

"2015 baby Myers #1"

"2017 baby Myers #2 (2yrs apart)"

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July 2013 I married my dream man. Three months later I got pregnant. Totally threw off my timeline again. But that's okay. Time to write another timeline. 

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"2014 Spring buy a house" 

"2014 Summer baby Myers born"

"2015 kitchen remodel?"

"2016 baby Myers #2 (2yrs apart)"

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I began my saving plan. I used my account for a few bills and the rest was saved. My husband's was for the remainder of our bills and day-to-day necessities. By the time our sweet boy was here I had saved almost $10,000 for a down payment. But we saw almost all that money go to medical bills for mom and baby. 

I can hear the disc scratch after that last note. Nearly 10K in health bills?!?!

What my timeline didn't account for were the hiccups in my pregnancy and Owen's birth. 

I had a condition in pregnancy called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG for short). Basically, HG is a rare case in pregnancy that causes severe nausea and vomiting that typically results in dehydration. In some cases this can last up to the birth of the baby or post pregnancy. Luckily, for me this lasted until I was 25 weeks pregnant. Still, that was about 20 weeks of constant nausea and vomiting. 

I was hospitalized due to dehydration. I was put on an in home IV for about 8 days. I carried a Zofran pump on my body for 5 weeks. I'd stick myself every 20 hours and wear a little machine that would infuse medication to counter my nausea. 

Yes, this was gnarly. I was miserable. But God was gifting me with a healthy little life growing inside me. Ryan & I were so blessed working together for a great company. We had very good medical coverage. We had the best coworkers and bosses we still cherish today. I was so upset I couldn't be this Viking woman, baby making machine, but I couldn't help but be grateful for the blessings we did have. 

When Owen was born he had a fever so we spent 6 days in the NICU. We were blessed by God again in finding nothing wrong but a fever, but between my HG and Owen in the NICU our bills racked up quick. But again, praise God! My super saving helped us write one big check and we didn't have to worry about monthly medical payments. 

So, no house when I planned. Back to the timeline drawing board. Well, I won't go into detail but two and a half years later we are pregnant with baby number two -- I got HG with this baby too -- and we're living with my parent's. 

Again, praise God for this opportunity! Not only is it helping us save, but they have been a life saver helping me with my two-year-old while sick and pregnant. As funny as it was running after a toddler carrying my IV pole, it was awesome having another set of hands. 

The worry-wart, obsessive planner in me has completely freaked out SEVERAL times that my life hasn't gone accordingly. Sometimes I sit wishing I could fast forward to when we are in our "perfect timeline". But when I look back I can see all the blessings that have transpired. I couldn't see them while I was going through the trials, but I can see God's hand on our lives clear as day now. If I had my "perfect timeline" it wouldn't be perfect and I would never be satisfied.

Ryan and I are planning on a house this spring, and though I haven't gotten my kitchen remodel I have been given so much more. 

If I hadn't known my husband loved me when we married I sure knew our first year of marriage. 

When I was sick and pregnant Ryan cared for me every step of the way with out complaint. He would pick up my slack doing laundry, washing dishes, mopping, vacuuming, and dusting. When I was vomiting left and right, baked potatoes were my saving grace food with Owen. It was the only meal that cooperated with my stomach. Ryan would get to McAlister's just as they opened at 10am. Order my cheesy baked potato with extra sour cream, and hand it to me just as he was ready to clock in at 11 for work.

Ryan helped me get ready for work every morning at 6am. He would wake up in the middle of the night to help me change out my medicine in my pump. He changed every IV bag so I didn't have to strain myself. And he told me I looked more beautiful today than the day before. 

We may not have been where I wanted us to be in my timeline, but through God's timeline in our first year of marriage He showed me how much my husband loves me. Through God's timeline I learned how to love my husband the way he deserves.

There's this thing that I think happens in relationships where you excuse the little things and when you get married you put those little things in a jar of expectations. But the truth is the everyday you were living with your partner before marriage is the reality that comes to life in marriage. God opened my eyes to that and showed me that though I had high expectations -- as seen in my desired timeline -- the reality was so much better than any silly expectation.  

I still worry about the future. I still work hard to prevent myself from "ruining our lives." But if I've learned nothing else it's this:

"So why would I fear the future? For I am pursued by your goodness and unfailing love." Psalms 23:6 

-The Passion translation 

In a time of division and crazy change in the world I continue to worry about the future. Will our ducks ever be in a row? God reminds me His desires, His goodness, His love is being fulfilled in my life. He is never finished with us. He is always a captivated reader hanging on the pages of our story. 

The Nursery

So it’s been a while. It’s so cute how I start my year with such determination. I really set some major goals with this blog and it’s taken a backseat to our everyday life. But I can deal.

We just got a new big boy bed for Owen. Owen sleeping in his crib was a huge battle. He wanted to sleep with mom & dad instead of his own bed. I have learned that 2 am Lexy has zero will power as opposed to 8 pm or 10 pm Lexy. Most nights I’d give up and allow him into our bed. I had an early day at work the next morning and I chose to be rested and crammed in our bed over groggy with space. Yes, I’m one of those moms. I’m picky with choosing my battles.

We got a good deal on a garage sale find. A Thomas the Tank Engine toddler bed in great condition. Thomas is huge in our household right now. I always thought I’d have cute kid furniture with cute bedding. I wouldn’t cave and get the cheesy character stuff. That was before I realized how much I love sleep.

This Thomas bed has been a saving grace. We really hyped it up and made a big deal in front of Owen to emphasize the big boy aspect. He’s so proud of himself sleeping by himself in his own bed. While I’m so excited about this new stage and watching him develop, I can’t help but miss that little bundle I had but just shy of two years ago.

As we packed up his crib I wanted to post pictures of his nursery. I caught major nesting bug when I was pregnant. I loved imagining what my boy was going to be like while decorating a room to call his own.

This dresser was my grandparent's. My mom & I painted it using homemade chalk paint. I added the new knobs to give it a more playful look. 

I made the quilt and matching pillow. Maybe when I get more comfortable I will do a tutorial. 

How To: Make a Mobile For $15 and Under

When I was pregnant with Owen, I caught major nesting bug. I wanted to craft and create a fun nursery that I did all on my own. One of my favorite projects I created was his mobile. I found these fun little hot air balloons that I just had to incorporate in his room. Now, these hot air balloons were hard to find at a price that I was comfortable paying. I finally found them online for $5, but typically these little cuties average to $15 a piece! That is an expensive mobile. Using other materials than expensive hot air balloon figures, I've come up with a fun project to make a mobile for $15 or less.

Owen's Mobile

Supplies you will need: fabric, felt, fishing line, needle, thread, stitching hoop, & yarn (optional)

When picking out fabric you won't need much. These piece aren't very large. I went to the clearance section of Walmart and found some fun colors & prints that totaled to roughly $5 for 7 scraps of different fabrics. If you are a fan of making everything match picking out a cheap quilting pack is a great cost efficient way too. I have found some quilting packs with 5 different combinations of fabrics for $5-$7 and the pieces are made to coincide together beautifully.

TEMPLATES:

Creating templates can be a fun part of making the mobile your own. If you'd like the templates I've used they will be provided in my next post for print. The key to creating a good template is to keep it simple and create layers that make your image pop.

STEP ONE:
Place template over felt & outline image to cut. The felt outline should cover the entire image. This will be your base piece that you sew all your layers to. I found these 8 x 11 felt sheets for about 88 cents a piece and I only needed 3 sheets.
A handy tip in tracing your image is to pin the template to the felt. This will give you a more accurate stenciling so you don't have any change in size. To trace the template on the felt & fabric I used an erasable chalk pen. This prevents the ink from bleeding into the fabric and allows for the chalk to be washed off with a little water.

STEP TWO: 
After you have cut out your template, stitch a knot with the fishing line so you have your line ready to hang your piece to the hoop for later stage. I find that if I do this step first I can cover any thickness in the knot with the layers of fabric placed over the felt.

STEP THREE:

Pin your layered templates to the desired fabrics. I highly recommend ironing your fabric before hand to prevent any adjustments in size due to wrinkles. Make sure you outline on the 'wrong side' of the fabric. That way no markings will be seen on your print.

STEP FOUR: 

Take your fabric cut piece and pin it to the felt, & begin stitching! Personally, I don't mind uneven stitches. I feel it gives it a more playful look for a nursery. However, if you are a stickler for perfection, I recommend taking your time stitch by stitch and keep the stitches close together to avoid any mistakes. For you super sewers out there, you can also sew by machine if you prefer. It really all depends on how you make it your own. 

STEP FIVE:

Once you've finished creating your hanging pieces you are ready to hang! I really like how the wood hoop looks all on it's own, but if you want a more finished look, wrapping yarn tightly around the hoop is another way to finish. It also can cover the knots you've made when tying your pieces. When I finish wrapping my hoop in the yarn I tie a knot and tuck the remainder yarn at the end of the knot into the loops wrapped in the hoop to hide those strands. The size hoop I used was 8 inches in diameter and roughly cost $3.

STEP SIX:
You are ready to hang your piece! When locating the desired spot to hang your mobile it is important to find a stud to support and hold the mobile. Once you find the stud, pre-drill a hole partially into the stud. Do not drill all the way through or the screw of your hook will not have enough to grip.  Once you've finished drilling take your hook and screw by hand into the ceiling. I used a 3 inch Crown Bolt ceiling hook you can purchase at any hardware store for about $1. I'm a safety freak so I also tested the hook's strength by pulling on the hook to make sure it was placed properly.

Today. Tomorrow. Someday.

In college I was always planning for my future. Maybe it’s just me, but college was all about working hard today so you could enjoy your ‘someday’. Don’t get me wrong I had fun – it was college – but my 18-20 some odd-self felt a lot of pressure to those standard questions: “What is your major?” or “What do you want to do in life?” I know the people asking these questions mean well and are just interested in what young minds aspire to be. I find myself asking my brother’s & sister the same questions now. Looking on the other side of it, I ask them these questions because the sky is the limit for them. I’m so excited for their journey they will soon be taking. I don’t mean to put pressure on my sibling’s – I’m intrigued because I know how brilliant they are and I can’t wait to see what inspires them.

However, being 18 I remember how hard it was to figure out what I really wanted. And if I don’t know what I want how can I prepare for my future? How can I make my tomorrow better?

Well, I worked hard to be a set designer. I did this because I love to build, and people told me I was good at it. I think I was too. I worked hard to make my tomorrow better, so when I graduated everything would be easy. At least that was the mindset I had and I trained for. I couldn’t be more wrong. There were so many times I worried about making tomorrow that I didn’t live for my today. I never expected my interest’s to change. Now my life looks different than what I had planned for. And it couldn’t be better.

My set design for Evangel University's production: A Mid-Summer Night's Dream.  Photo by: Jeanette Schaaf

When others were asking me those questions about my future I wish I knew their thoughts the way I probably do now. To me, I had limitations. I couldn’t reach the sky. So I had to keep my dreams on the ground in order to be happy. But when I ask those questions to my sibling’s I truly believe they are capable of anything. 

Today, I have a wonderful husband and an incredible son. I really love it, and I never expected it. My after college plans are nothing like I planned them to be. But I still catch myself living for tomorrow.

Ryan and I are saving and planning for a house, we plan on having more children some day – a while away. We work hard to give our boy a great life. Sometimes I can disappear into the world of tomorrow wondering how we are ever going to accomplish such feats. How will we get to where I want our family to be? There’s nothing wrong for wishing better in your life, but in my experience I have wasted so much precious time in hoping that tomorrow will be perfect.

I have this terrible thinking process that creeps into my mind. “Once we buy a house then we will be happy." or "Once Ryan finishes this class then we will be happy." If I keep chasing tomorrow I will never catch up to the happiness of today. If I keep chasing tomorrow I will lose touch of the relationships I hold most dear. Luckily, my sweet boy reminds me of this daily. He is just about 5 short months from being two. I know its cliche, but it really is the must true statement: They grow up so fast. 

The beginning of January I was writing in my planner month by month documenting everything we have to look forward to. My boy reached up and put his hand on my face to get my attention. It was such an 'Earth to Lexy' moment for me. He was longing for my time and I was busy thinking about the times ahead. I don’t want to miss this precious time while I’m wishing for tomorrow.

For me, I take trials extremely hard and I really drag my feet through them. But if I find a small sparkle of light to enjoy in the moment it can make those times just a little easier. If I can really immerse myself in today I can focus on the people around me. I can make memories with my family. And maybe, just maybe, I can get lost in the moment I’m living for.

Exposure to Light

When I was in high school I hesitated getting a Facebook account. I was worried it would take over my life updating my page trying to make myself look cool while still keeping an effortless composure. I created an account in college. I promised myself I’d never post selfies or write long lengthy notes that were deep and meaningful in my 18 year old mind. Because chances are I’d look back and face-palm with regret. I would be critical of myself wishing I could have adjusted my post to fit the image I wanted to show. But this is the internet. Once you expose yourself it’s there.

I was wary about all social media as it exploded in my generation, but I eventually converted to many social media outlets. And I know by this point you’re probably wondering why I’m creating this blog if I’m wary about putting myself out there on the internet, but trust me when I say I’ll get to that.

For me, I’ve had to take a step back from all these sites. I had to realize what they are for and how I can use them responsibly.

I used Twitter as a way to try to look witty, but in reality I thought long and hard about what to tweet and how it could be funny. I used Instagram as a way to make myself look fun. I’d take pictures of things I was doing, places I visited, or images of me on a good day. (And by good day I mean good hair day).

I used these outlets to make myself look interesting. I wanted to create this image of a perfect person. Someone smart, funny, cute, and innovative. Someone who has it together.

In reality I was saying ‘Look at me’ because when I looked at my friend’s profiles, quotes, and pictures and I thought they had it together. Their lives were perfect, their thoughts were innovative, and their pictures were flawless--and I should be that way too.

And now I’m writing this blog. I’m writing this post to say I’m not perfect. My project’s don’t always turn out. Sometimes I enjoy vegging out to a mindless movie and turning off my brain. And most days I enjoy wearing no makeup and comfy clothes.   

I don’t fault anyone for promoting the good things in their life, and I don’t discourage anyone from expressing themselves. I just want to be honest. My plan for this blog is not show off myself or lie to you as the reader about who I am. I am an everyday mom who relies solely on the Lord. I have everyday problems and I enjoy expressing myself through my passions, and that’s what will be seen here.  

We cannot escape the social media. I fear young adults have more challenges becoming who they are when they have all these social examples around them telling them who they should become. Use these outlets as a way to encourage yourself and make yourself stronger. I encourage you to be yourself and love who you are. Don’t conform to the world. Be who you want to be. For me, that is relying on God. My looking glass of myself and the world is broken. Sometimes I can be pessimistic about life. I have a hard time finding joy in the everyday miserable, wonderful, thing that is called life. Sometimes it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Relying on Christ lets me see myself and his creations for how he truly intended them to be. Fearfully and wonderfully made. He helps me seek my joy.

I believe that God has created everyone to be unique. To go with the trend is fine, (I do it all the time) but for me, knowing who I am through Christ is the greatest blessing. But just because I have the Lord doesn’t make him a superhero that has the power to make everything super awesome in my life. Life will always be hard. This God who I lean upon has created me and given me these funny quirks that make me who I am. It’s so cool to think that out of the billions of people in this world not one is exactly alike.

I hope this message encourages you to promote joy in your life. I’m just warning readers now perfection is not the purpose of this blog. My purpose is to post fun projects and share pieces of my life. I’m a faulty human who makes mistakes and leans upon the Lord for everything -- and I love it.